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Can I just say that I'm happier the past few weeks than I have been... probably ever? I have awesome, awesome friends, and I'm spending a lot of time with them, and I'm being productive artwise and lifewise (I CLEANED MY WHOLE DAMN BEDROOM GUYS. Becca helped. BUT STILL.) and just. I talked to my therapist about going off lexapro and I did and I STILL feel great. Better even. Everything is kind of on track.The past two or three days my parents have been extra-special pains in my ass for no particularly good reason but it's okay. I don't have school at all until I go off to college, man. Everything is on me.

Also I've been going to a lot of grad parties and things and can I just say I love eating food someone else is paying for, forever. Yeah.

In short MLIA. It's all good. I hope everything is going dandy with my flist.
I graduate in three days.

I GRADUATE in three fucking days.

It's pretty incredible to think about. I can't hardly believe it. Fuck. I mean, it's weird. And it still hasn't sunken in at all. It's hard for me to articulate anything about it, I guess.

Additionally... I leave for school nine weeks after graduation. Holy hell. I just... I can't believe any of this is finally, actually happening and it is truly glorious.

Let me soapbox for a moment.

Faith is never lost.

I really think that almost everyone wants to believe. Whether they self-proclaim as atheist or agnostic, I think they want to believe that they are being watched out for, way, way deep down. When you have no where left to turn, when you're doubting everything else, might you say the smallest prayer in the hopes that it might work? Even if you don't really think He/She/Hir/It is listening?

Don't you always make it through?

I'm not trying to be preachy. I'm just saying that, if you have that tiny speck of faith, and I hope you all do, you can and should nurture it. And it's not hard.

If you have that tiny speck of faith, if you've ever prayed, doubting, hoping it'll work, you can make it grow. If you've prayed once, you can pray again-- and this is all you have to do: Pray for a sign. Pray for faith.

It's not that hard, is it? You don't have to do it a lot. You pray, and you look for what you pray for. I'm not saying that Gabriel or Yahweh is going to come down on a rainbow and tell you "SEE, I'VE BEEN HERE ALL ALONG--" but, actually, that's what's going to happen. Look around you, and God will show you the majesty of his creation, the beauty, the tiny spark of good in all of us, the majesty that even when things really get bad, they can get better. For me, the signs are things like laying under the stars with my friends, or looking out the window and being inspired by all of creation. Going to church and feeling all the love in the room, the sheer joy everyone is sharing in Christ.

You don't have to be a Christian. You don't have to go to any kind of church. All of creation is a monument to the Glory. All you have to do is believe. Whether you put your faith in Yahweh, or Adonai, or the Goddess, or your own nondescript interpretation of the God of Love, your life can become so much fuller, so much more comforting, when that seed of faith grows.

I know this isn't par for the course of my journal, and a lot of you are probably going , "Wow, Mads, thanks for shoving your saccharine Jesus-loving in my face. *unfollows*" but... I don't know. This happiness, I want to share with everyone, and if I can make a difference to one person, that's enough for me.

May. 10th, 2011

Oy this is to be the quickest LJ entry because I've miles to go before I sleep, and actually I mean my bed time is in four minutes. Shut up, I'm not too old to have a bedtime (.... i just realized my curfew is later than my bed time. at 10 pm I'm allowed to be driving, but not on the computer. whatever).

This is Prom Week at my school which means if I ever hear the p-word ever again I will probably use the bigass pins used for corsages through someone's eyes. Just saying. The words "wasted", "booze", "dress" and "date" are also strictly forbidden from here on in, in addition to any compound words using "dress" "date" "p---" etc. Just saying. I WILL REMOVE YOUR GONADS. /cough

Also I have almost no news except I'm finally being somewhat consistent over at my tumblr sketchblog and if you don't follow my sketchblog we're officially not tumblr friends, and that is a tragedy.

In addition my sleep schedule is like way messed up and also I have eaten EVERYTHING A HUNDRED TIMES. I don't know what I'm so subconsciously stressed out about (besides finals, graduation, the 50 graduation parties I'm going to have to attend, my AP test scores, going to college, financial aid, my entire future, my romantic situations and/or lack thereof, and basically everything else that could possibly bother me) but if I don't stop eating I will either explode or be rolled to the hospital for life-saving gastric bypass within the week. SERIOUSLY I CAN'T STOP EATING and I'm not really sure why and it's only bothering me a little.

oh and also in case I haven't mentioned I ruin everything (for example: the library, my school, clothing, paintings, the lives of everyone around me, etc) so there's also that. I don't know why up till now I haven't been deeply hating myself but I guess I'm either too medicated or too out of it to care? Idk.

TL;DR NO1CURR MADZ IT'S HIGHSCHOOL CALMETH THINE BOSOM
It is going to be/has been a crazy, crazy week.

-AP Tests are next week which means i have to finish my entire portfolio and do EVERYTHING EVER, what a pain. There is so much to get done.
-I have a giant essay due on friday which I haven't even been able to start yet because
-My sleep schedule is fucked to like, pacific mean time and back so yesterday I went to bed at 4 pm and woke up at midnight. AKjdflsd
-Spirit Night is this week which is a my-highschool-only thing that most of you won't get but it is a BIG deal and I have a couple of obligations to it so that eats up even more of my free time
-NAHS inductions (which also require a ton of work) are TOMORROW aka the night before my essay is due and
-I don't have any absences left so i can't very well take a day out with Ididn'tdomyhomeworkitis.

all this has sprung up in the past two days since spring break ended btw :| fml

basically i am going to need a LOT of energy drinks/coffee this weekend.
Good things about this week:
*I haven't done any significant amount of chores in 4 days
*I read THE WHOLE INTERNET. TWICE.
*I ate a lot of delicious food
*I slept for like... 72 hrs
*I didn't do any homework

Bad things about this week:
*My head hurt like there was a crazy jackhammer orgy going on up there
*I threw up some of my delicious food :c
*I had to drink a preposterous amount of liquid
*And take a fuckton of OTCs
*I left the house for a grand total of 5 hours (2 to go to dinner with the family, 3 to go to the doctors/Grocery shopping)
*I'm behind on a fuckton of homework
*I haven't worn a bra in a week and I hate not wearing a bra but I'm too sick to dig around for one :c
*I have ABSOLUTELY NO absences left for the rest of the year. I can't even be late. FML. (Even with a note, btw. Which means I'm going to miss out on the sheer pleasure of signing myself in late and writing my own absentee notes. SO DUMB.)


I started writing a list of recommendations from the books I've read recently but livejournal/my computer ate it, auuuugh, so I stopped. I wish that the rest of the interwebs didn't only read Superhero comics and manga because I have a BURNING love for non-mainstream American graphic novels that no one I know (or know of, I suppose) shares, besides Vix, and I wish there was someone I could go "GUUUUUISE IT IS SOOOOOO GOOOD" with. Or whatever.

In addition-- the local scholarship essays are due tomorrow and I am soooo not in the mood to write them, mostly because I feel like it is a royal waste of time. None of them are for more than like, 1000 dollars, and while I know that IS a lot of money, in the long run for college that gets me like.... five textbooks and a bucket of dreams. If that... Plus, I'm probably not going to win, so it's an even bigger waste of time. I mean, I dunno, I COULD win, but.... asjdflasdhjflaksdfj.

Last, I have a couple of new people on my FList recently (hai guiz you know who you are) and I was thinking about writing up a little basic personal info in a post (like, explaining my complicated religious views and ~sexuality and other things like that). Just throwing that out there I guess.
Yesterday night at a birthday party, my friend Lloyd gave me the most AMAZING massage.

L: You're very tense here [jab] and here [jab] and here and here [jab jab]. I don't think of you as a very tense person.

Lolwut?


Anyways, I just got home from my first day at work and it was... it was fun when time hadn't stopped. And my ears are ringing from the sound of the air pumps. And I'm starving because I worked from 8.45-2 with no break whatsoever.

The other kids I work with are nice and a lot of the bbs were ADORABLE. Also, we get to play on the bouncy houses as much as we want. Ain't nothin' wrong with that.

Vix is making me a sandwich and then we're going to Princeton to see a museum. I have work again tomorrow.

Whatever my sandwich is ready. I'm sorry my life is so boring.
oh I made a new tumblr for SKETCHINGS

it is here and you should all follow it. because you love me and want to help make me POPULAR ON THE INTERNET obviously.
Whenever my FList is being slow I remember "oh, right, i can write about my life."

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